He suggested it two weeks ago. He told me he’d planned to have the day off because his partner was going to be out of town and he’d have part of the day until he had to pick up his kids later in the day. He wanted to see me. I’d asked him if it was a tentative thing because of work and he said no, that he had the day no matter what.
I didn’t ever bring it up except when we’d joke about having coffee or spending a morning together. Totally played it cool.
Tuesday I loosely planned out the date and confirmed what time he was coming. I made sure to mention we’d be heading into the city – so he’d know this wasn’t some kind of “coffee and chill” morning in my home where we’d likely get into trouble. He seemed excited and interested to go out into the world with me. I was over the moon. A man who wanted to spend time with me beyond a bedroom! Shows how damaged I really am. I was afraid to tell him I was making “normal” date plans. I was afraid he’d show his cards(sex only please) and that would be it – more disappointment. My friend Faith encouraged me to share with him that I had non-sexual plans. She thought I might be pleasantly surprised. I truly was. And I was scared that it would all go south anyway…
Wednesday he announced there was a work issue that might prevent him from coming. He promised to let me know well ahead of time, but said it wasn’t looking great. My heart hurt instantly. I doubted him. I didn’t ask why weeks ago he’d made it sound rock solid. What good would that do? He’s not mine. I don’t have any claim to him. But it lingered in my head. Why tell me it’s a done deal and then back away? It’s typical for men in my life. I was seeing the same old shit again. I hurt.
Thursday afternoon he fully backed out. Told me work that had to be done for Friday wasn’t going to get done and he would end up working all of Friday. He was sweet and apologetic, but also basically matter of fact about it.
I realized work is his wife. He loves it and hates it but is always there when called on. Everything else takes a back seat. His kids, his relationships. Everything. And it’s not life or death, emergent crisis type of work. He isn’t dealing with international timelines or clientele. He’s not an EMT or a doctor. He’s not uniquely qualified so that his skills are critical. He’s out in the field driving tractor trailers, hauling equipment. Half the time he’s waiting for other people to finish work so he can do his job.
I think it’s an escape. He has no other future plans or aspirations. Just that, it seems. I’ve asked him. Not even to get to a place where he works less hours so he can be with his kids. He seems to have thrown up his hands about his situation. This makes me wonder if he will ever leave his partner. He never stops saying he’s going to move out one day in the near future, but I don’t think he’s got any kind of plan. I know how it is when you leave a relationship or living arrangement. Plans move things forwards. Not sure he’s on any trajectory at all.
I rolled with the plan change and didn’t get hostile or bitchy or judgmental, but talked to him Thursday night and once again said I was scaling the whole thing back. This is the third time I’ve done this. I need to be done doing it. Boundaries HAVE to come up now. I told him I think his work is his wife. He kind of agreed with me. Ugh.
He did say when he makes the changes in his life he’s going to come find me. I was touched, but I’m afraid. I’m afraid I’ll meet someone and that he’ll come and I won’t be ready and then I’ll break up with whoever I’m with and then he’ll be married. I’m too old for that shit. I don’t have a decade more of my life to got through that.
I really fucking like him and feel good with him and am attracted to him. I really want this man in my life somehow, and I can’t have him. It really hurts so much.
I haven’t spoken with him or texted with him since Thursday night. I sent him one message yesterday morning telling him is was thinking about him, not to respond, that it was going to take a bit for me to get used to not texting or talking every day. He commented on a Facebook post and liked others. No direct contact. I know he’s out there. I know he’s got his kids this weekend and they’re small and he’ll be busy.
I want to ask him how he is.
I miss him. I want him to miss me and tell me that this sucks. I want him to break the boundary and tell me he hates this and that he knows it’s the right thing to do but that he’s having a hard time. I want him to feel like I do. And if he does, I want him to tell me so I can tell him how I feel. Then we’re in it together and we know what’s what.
Right now it’s silence. He has said nothing to indicate anything.
The only one who feels this way right now is me. That’s so fucking sad.
I have to grieve this. I have to keep moving.
Faith is going to help me set up a dating profile on a site so I can go meet some nice fellas and have some dates.
I signed back in to an account I created last year and started preparing. It’s still hidden. I just wanted to get it ready.
While I was setting preliminary things up and looking around, I discovered I wasn’t interested in anyone else. I don’t feel like I want to date. I like Robert. I really like him. I don’t want to flirt with anyone else. I really don’t. I can’t believe I’m saying that. I’m feeling lovesick. Or I really found someone compatible for the first time in a long long time and he looks like the best thing possible when I know that’s not necessarily true. But I don’t want to go out there and reject guys and get rejected more.
I also realized tonight that when he gave me the orgasm three weeks ago, it was the first one I’d had that way with a man in at least four years. He was so eager and giving. There wasn’t a thing wrong with that night except for any doubts in myself that I had. He was lovely. It was good. He held me. He smiled so much. Why can’t I just have that? Something so nice and good? Why not? Why is this such a fucking struggle ALL THE TIME?
It’s self-directed rejection. I chose to interact with him and his unavailability was all known in the beginning.
One day two weeks ago, when I was having my hair done, I sent him a “before” pic from the stylists chair. My hair was down and loose and pretty and I was sitting in my little salon cape -the photo is me taking my pic in the mirror. He texted back “Cute little girl”. I felt like he saw me in a non-sexual, sweet way. It made me love him and want him more. I wanted to be HIS cute little girl.
When I piece it all together, I’m looking for a daddy. I’m looking for a man to love me and want me in non-sexual, fun, playful, safe ways, along with the sex and romance and excitement of relationship love. And my life experience is the complete non-existence of such a being. I am chasing something that never was, and reenacting my biological fathers rejection of me with men who are just as unavailable or self absorbed or abusive or whatever.
I want to be wrong about Robert. I want him to be different and not another symptom of my pathology. I want him to be as good as many of the signs have indicated. I want him to get his life on track and get free and find space for more good things like ME.
I just want to know that Robert is feeling the same way about me right now. I feel like if I knew that, it wouldn’t be so hard. I would wait for him. I feel like I would. If he asked me to wait…
I drank too much tonight and spilled wine on my carpet for the first time since I moved in here. My head hurts terribly.
I’m lonely and angry and sad.
I just want someone to hold me and make me laugh and turn me on and be my friend and be there.
I used to have BIG aspirations and dreams about what I could be, but I’ve only ever touched on the kind of love that makes a person feel solid and whole. Life is better when you have a partner who cares and is there and loves you like no regular friend could. It doesn’t matter how successful or rich or established or centered you are as an individual. If you don’t have a companion to share anything with intimately, you walk the earth alone, no matter how many other friends and loved ones you have. Why are there so many songs and books and poems and movies and stories about love if humans can live without it? Aren’t we ALL addicts then? There are less people who want to be alone than there are people who want a partner in life. I’m not a fucking anomalie.
I’m tired of the “love yourself and it will all come together” bullshit. Do you know how many people out there are just falling in love and meeting people with all kinds of shit going on – when they’re not at their best – when they don’t fully love themselves? It’s happening anyway. But it’s still not for me because I’ve been over here diagnosing my ills, failing, analyzing my failures, trying to regiment how I interact with the world because I’ve seen myself as broken and having to live a certain way in order to be less broken. I’ve been trying to perfect myself and live in a bubble. Overthinking everything along the way.
Wine migraine. Head hurts.
I just got notified that people are checking me out on the dating site. I’d accidentally made it public! I just hid it. Not before 5 guys liked my photos. I couldn’t see their photos because my account isn’t started up officially yet. I still got a jolt. Know what said?: “Is THAT my boyfriend?” That feels unhealthy. Great start I’m off to.
I probably can’t have boyfriends. I feel cursed. If I truly can’t, I wish the universe would tell me what I CAN have, so at least I have something to look forward to.